Keep Me in the Sunlight

 “It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.” -The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, How it Works, page 66

When I was young, I had a terrible habit of chewing on my fingernails. 

This habit, fueled by anxiety and inner turmoil, inevitably led to hangnails. Little pieces of nail, hanging on by a thread. Painful every time they were touched or even lightly brushed. 

Resentments are kind of like that. 

What do we do with the pain and trauma imposed on us by others in this life? 

What do we do when people leave us when we need to be loved the most? 

What do we do when people hurt us, stomp on us, tear our hearts out? 

What do we do with the hangnails within us that hurt deeply every time they are touched?

It is an inevitable fact of life that we will be let down. And when it happens, we have options. We can permit deep resentments to form. We can hit back. We can stew and boil. We can allow hangnails in our life which periodically bubble up and cause us serious pain.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be sick with resentment. I don’t want to suffer from hangnails. I don’t want to be shut out from the sunlight of the Spirit. 

So I have to do some things. I have to ask what my part was in any hurt I face. I must take any responsibility that is mine to take. I must make amends where possible for any wrong I’ve done. 

I must have empathy for people who have hurt me.  As one wise man said, 

“If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Everyone is going through some kind of suffering. 

And sometimes, I simply have to figure out how to forgive. 

Forgiveness is far from easy. 

It often requires something like emotional open heart surgery. 

It isn’t something I can dig out of myself without a lot of help. 

So I look to Jesus. 

Jesus demonstrating enemy-love.

Jesus commanding us to forgive. 

Jesus forgiving the criminal on the cross next to him.

Jesus inviting Judas to eat with him even though he knew he was about to betray him.

Jesus dying for people who hated him. 

Sigh.

But also - glory! 

The world is chock full of animosity, resentment, and unforgiveness. On the micro level we can see it in broken relationships between individuals. On the macro level we see it in the form of crazy world leaders and war. Everywhere we look it is normal to be angry at the other. 

Jesus followers are called to higher ground. 

I am called to higher ground.

And so I let go. 

Of the way they didn’t show up. 

Of how they left at the worst possible time.

Of how they disappeared without giving a reason. 

Of the temptation to fester. 

Of the way I want the other shoe to drop on them as I write these words. 

Jesus help me climb to higher ground by taking the lowest possible road. 

Help me not just practice enemy-love, but to refuse to even have enemies at all. 

Help me heal my hangnails.

Help me live in the sunlight of the Spirit.