God's Will

What is God’s will for my life…..?

I have traveled through several real and imagined journeys while being haunted by this question. For many years it seemed to me that “God’s will” was some ridiculous Christian insider phrase, some secret knowledge discernable only by those who knew God in some absurdly intimate way which I would never, ever experience.

I can't hear You, God?!?!

I would hear Christians say that “God told them” something, and it was enough to make me consider moving to another state where I could be a quiet atheist free from the sickening plague of spiritual inferiority, and removed from the well-meaning condescension of Christians who did not understand why I was incapable of tuning into that “still, small voice.”

What they (and I) didn’t realize was that I had drowned that still, small, God-conscious voice in years of booze and covered it in crushed up pills and buried it in debauchery and veiled it in plumes of marijuana smoke. It would be years before that voice would become discernable again. And so I struggled.

My whole life, from childhood on, I felt like everyone knew what they were supposed to be doing, and everyone received the life instruction booklet. Except me. For whatever reason, I lived in chronic anxiety and confusion, never having a clue what it was I supposed to be doing, and hating everyone else who did.

This was no different. Everyone knew exactly what God’s special purpose was for them, everyone could hear His voice, everyone was living delightfully in the certainty that they were walking on the path God had planned for them.

Everyone except me. Because I had no idea what God wanted from me. I couldn’t distinguish His voice from all the other voices inside my head warring for my attention.

I figured that even if God had a path planned out for me, which seemed unlikely, it wouldn’t matter anyways, because there was no way I was going to find it in my bumbling, unspiritual, confused idiocy.

Sometimes I hated all of it so much that I just wanted to walk away from God, from Jesus and Christianity and people who threw around their knowledge of God’s voice like it was a spiritual medal of honor. Get me out of here please I need some air….

This is a good time to point out the grace of Jesus Christ and the power of God’s Word. I hated all of it, I hated the struggle, the internal war, the questions, the doubts, and especially the people who “knew God.” Even when they were sincere I hated it. For whatever reason, I burdened myself with an absolutely insane obligation and personal responsibility to find and discern “God’s Will” for my life. It was all up to me, and I was bound to fail, and so I was mad.

But while I hated it all and shook my fist at this God who would not give me my answers, I was still drawn to the name of Jesus. There was just no walking away from Him. Not only this, but in my self-reliant struggle to find all answers, God’s Word began to break into my heart, changing me and shaping me, even as I kicked and struggled. Jesus Christ and God’s written Word are more powerful and capable than any battle I try to fight, thanks be to God.

Eating Bugs?

Eventually, my rage turned to indifference. Alright God, if you aren’t going to show me the long-range plot of my life and exactly where it is in Africa that I will be eating bugs for Jesus, then whatever. I’m going to do the best I can with what’s in front of me, I’m going to seek you, and I’m going to stop thinking about it. I’m done trying to hear some mystical wind pointing me in the right direction. Whatever.

About this time, a dear friend quoted Micah 6:8 to me: “He has shown you, o mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

What a relief. God wants me to love Him, and to do what is in front of me. And this is enough. I do not have to figure out the rest of my life today. I only have to figure out how to best love God in my actions in each moment today. Is it so simple?

It is. I began to realize that in my childish demand to see and fully grasp the big picture, I was failing to live as God wanted me to in the daily picture. And the daily picture is truly what matters the most, because it is the string of daily moments which weaves together our bigger picture.

            

In truth, what am I really doing if I cannot be obedient to Jesus in the present? Isn’t my willingness to obey some far-off destiny as futile as sand running through my fingers if I am unable to obey Him right now in this very moment? The desire for big-picture obedience might be veiled in good intentions and nobility, but not if I am neglecting Jesus right now.

           

My ego would like me to believe that real ministry and work for God are somewhere other than right in front of me. My ego would like me to believe that my far off romantic destiny of eating bugs for Jesus in Africa (or whatever) is way more important than the daily humdrum of laundry, dishes, jungle animals, coloring books, and the ever-present reminder that I can never sweep the floors clear enough to not have crumbs stuck to the bottom of my socks. Never, it never happens.

            

But then Jesus reminds me that in His Kingdom, things are upside down, or perhaps right side up. What seems important to me is not, and what seems trivial to me is significant in the eyes of God. To see God Himself dead on the Cross is to see that surely He acts in unexpected ways. His ways are not our own.

            

Trial, error, struggle, exhaustion, and surrender have taught me that to love God and love others I have to start with one person at a time, particularly the person right in front of me at any given moment. It is not about grandiosity or glory, but about trying to make the lives of the people around me a little better, one at a time, often in ways that seem insignificant very much un-glorious.

          

In my world, this means that the big picture thoughts surrender to the immediate needs in front of me. My curiosity about when/where/how/what will come in the future bows to the filthy construction worker clothes that must be washed, the lunch that needs to be packed, the little people who need to play with blocks and learn hymns and hear about Jesus from their mama. I am learning more and more that Jesus wants me to be right here, right now. Nothing more, nothing less. Just here, present in love.

            

This also means I have come to firmly believe that God cares about the seemingly tiniest and most intimate details of our lives. He sometimes gives big-picture guidance, but more often, He gives guidance about what is most important right now, because that is enough, and this is walking by faith.

And yes, I have even come to firmly believe that God does speak to us. I had to be rid of a lot of sin-sickness and it had to be replaced with a lot of God’s Word and Christian love. This is daily work, but it is not really work to receive the gift of grace from God. A small price to pay indeed for finally being able to hear His voice today.

It was pouring rain on Saturday night when little Theo and I walked out of a restaurant. He was my dinner date. As the rain began to hit our heads, he began laughing out loud, the sound echoing across the parking lot and into the night. “It’s raining mama – it’s raining! Hahahahahaha….”

This is God's Will for me

I laughed and we ran to the truck holding hands, getting pelted by rain and laughing the whole way. Before we got in, I knelt on one knee in the rain and looked him in the face and told him that I love him and that he is so very special. We hugged in the rain and I thought  -

Yes.    

This.     

This warm and random November rain, this sweet child, this laughter.  

This is it. 

This is God’s perfect Will for me. 

This is how God teaches me.